I’m meditating this morning with Jesus on my heart and mind while listening to slumber breaths of my granddaughter snuggled next to me. It’s 6:43 in the morning, only two minutes remain of my scheduled prayer time.
This morning Holy Spirit has tossed my thoughts around from the silence of gratitude to mission focused. What am I doing to further the kingdom of God? What am I proud of?
Many people who know me well, know that I enjoy my Jesus time. It’s not a cozy nuke at a coffee shop with ear buds in to quite the sounds of the crowd. I prefer the still silence at home. Candles flickering and the sweet smells of cinnamon and vanilla. This is where I can listen. I am able to take in what Jesus is instructing me. And most of the time, it’s the very last few minutes of my scheduled time.
Today my thoughts took me to an interview. An interview with Pastor Jason and only two questions on the ballet. Who does God say you are and why? Which all of the congregation will say that he is called to inflect the comfortable. He states this during sermons and I believe he lives it! My thoughts didn’t answer the why? But closing the interview Pastor Jason asked me the same questions.
My answer was simple, Jesus calls me Sister.
Now anyone would argue that Jesus calls all of us brother or sister. But to me this is personal. This statement takes me to a place where nothing in the world can touch. The true treasure that is hidden in the corners of my heart are my sisters. No amount of time, nor distance will ever keep me from my sisters. Wherever their lives that them- I will be there. Unfailing, unconditional, protected love is how I would describe the devotion I have for my sisters.
And Jesus called me Sister. The experience was so real that I can feel His presence as I type. I was in my prayer room, probably during my scheduled time with Him and I had picked up the Identity exchange worksheet. I had done this exchange before during life group, but it was different in the silence and comfort of my spot. I would read an instruction then set my mind to work….
I pictured myself on a park bench in fall. Leaves tumbled about in the gentle breeze. Only trees surrounded me, true fall colors of orange, red and yellow. I was alone, sitting crisscross. I was at full peace in that moment. I saw someone walking towards me. He had taken on the Chosen Jesus physical appearance- which I recognized immediately and moved over giving Him room next to me.
I have never really put thought into what He would look like. I only assumed the photos and statues around were accurate. Brown hair and eyes were comforting and reminds me of home. But it wasn’t brown eyes that I was peering into. His eyes were deep, so deep that galaxy’s were stored there. I should have been freaked out! I should have been running away but I was frozen. And oddly, I wasn’t trying to figure out the mystery behind those eyes. I was just waiting.
Waiting on what I thought was going to be my identity. Like what overarching, impressive thing are You going to say that will make me fall to my knees and never leave Your feet?? What words would take me to a place of submission that I would never choose the world over again?
“Sister, are you not proud of me?”
Those words ripped through me like nothing ever had before. Weeping, uncontrollable weeping, no breathe to be catch. Jesus had laid it all out in those few words. I can not describe that feeling of vulnerability in that moment. That feeling of surrender from my soul. I was devastated and revived all at the same time. I’m not sure if that’s even possible.
The Jesus just called me to my purpose and called me on my sh*t all at the same time!!!!
Ouch! Where to go from here?? My feelings were sky-rocketing! How could Jesus not think I was proud of Him? Why did I matter? All these thoughts bounced around and I was no longer comfortable I was spiraling.
My next two words from Jesus were patient and calm. The wasteland of emotions were over and I was as He said calm.
I pray that I will never get over the awe in His work. I pray that I never lose my childlike faith and trust in His mysteries. I don’t want to understand, I just want to be in the awesome of His presence.
“Sister, are you not proud of me?”
Being proud of Jesus- would seem like a simple task. However, words of affirmation are not a talent of mine. This would take intentionality that I’m not comfortable with nor do I do well. Fact is I don’t go deep. I’m very much a surface dweller so going into words and emotions that are provoking I avoid. I avoid like the plague. I don’t share testimony, I barely share things that God has chosen me to serve with.
I’m somewhere between unbelieving and let’s keep that between us. When I say unbelieving its because He worked through me, not that He isn’t able.
So, this is where I at. I am Jesus’s Sister and I’m trying very hard to show how proud I am of Him.
I continue to be a work in progress.
I encourage you to take time today and ask yourself: What does God call you and why?
Drop it in the comments or if you aren’t sure- drop in a prayer for clarity.
God bless you and keep you in His presence today.
Tabi